Embarrassed

Is fear of exposure holding you back?

Having the odd type of job I have, offering privacy and nonjudgement behind closed doors, I’ve learned a lot about embarrassment and its protective function in life. I try to nudge it out of the way quickly, so I can help people get to their deeper emotional truths, but in general, it’s a big, enveloping feeling that often prevents you from making needed life improvements.

Threats to Existence

It’s no mystery why my math skills are horrible. Middle school math classes weren’t the most enlightened environments when I was young. My remedial class was typically taught by the newest coach who had been hired and full of older players who’d been held back. My lack of confidence exponentially increased in these environments of female objectification, male bonding and performing equations at the board.

Evolutionary psychology would likely say my embarrassment–the pounding heart, hands dripping with sweat– my overall feeling of mortification standing in front of the class, is an adaptive trait, a series of signals warning my nervous system of a threat. Revealing weakness in front of a potentially hostile group is a recipe for death, way, way down in our ancestral DNA. I didn’t feel I was going to get killed trying to solve a quadratic equation, but the embarrassment I felt, the way my body was responding, wasn’t so sure.

Embarrassment and Ambition

As an adult, you can’t have goals without some level of embarrassment, or anxiety about it showing up. Reaching beyond your comfort zone triggers your nervous system to be in a state of hypervigilance to potential attack. Like standing in front of the classroom at the board, you are setting yourself up for evaluation.

The opportunity to be judged, creates adrenaline and cortisol, and recalls those deep DNA fears. On an even more tangible level, your nervous system relies on your subconscious file folder of earlier experiences in which you took risks.

Did your family reward you standing out? Did you feel talented in those early situations? Praised or shamed? Your muscle memory stores all this information and recalls it in moments of impending exposure, the embarrassment is trying to “help” you react to potential threats to your existence.

Embarrassment and Resiliency

The courage to reach for your goal in spite of potential embarrassment is amazing proof of ambition and resiliency, the innate will to overcome. Just as you are wired to protect yourself, you are also wired to face your fears. Overcoming a situation that feels daunting, facing your embarrassment, shame and fear of failure or success, is instrumental in building confidence. You are built for this, but facing embarrassment requires energy and perseverance, so trustworthy, competent support is very helpful.

Embarrassment Reveals Core Beliefs

You can learn a lot about yourself by exploring more deeply what embarrasses you.
Do you feel embarrassed after a public success?
Do you feel embarrassed because someone compliments you?
Are you embarrassed when you are the center of attention?
Are you embarrassed to admit that you want something?
Do you feel embarrassed when someone is trying to demean, humiliate or manipulate you?

Uncovering what interpretations you make about these situations, what core beliefs you are holding about yourself, can be very revealing. As children, we form all sorts of conclusions about ourselves, based on circumstantial, “kid” evidence and arbitrary family folklore. Beliefs such as, “I’m not supposed to shine too bright,” “I’m not good at public speaking,” “I prove my worth through my performance,” “I’m so lame, they don’t like me,” Or, “Why am I so selfish to want attention” are types of childhood beliefs, formed due to your specific family’s idiosyncrasies. They often don’t hold up in reality as an adult, but you can get stuck believing in them as fundamental truths.

Embarrassment on Pathway to Pride

Soul train was my favorite. I practiced every Saturday in front of the tv and in my room constantly, dreaming of becoming a dancer. When the time came to try out a professional class, at 16, I totally choked, mortified with embarrassment. Unfortunately, both my mother and I read this reaction wrong. While my body was scared to death, it wasn’t because I hated it, it was actually because it meant so much to me. It was my mountain I wanted to climb, but I went home instead.

Think about what embarrasses you. A new relationship? Telling someone your deeper feelings? Going for something ambitious at work? This “embarrassment” can be a sign of desire, it’s an opportunity to go for something that can make you proud–the antidote to embarrassment.

Being shy or nervous while you are doing it is totally fine, inevitable, particularly for sensitive people. You are just wired that way and that’s beside the point. And, even if you don’t succeed ultimately, the ambitious attempt, the facing and overcoming fear is how you grow.

My desire to put myself in uncomfortable new spaces, led me to building Love Sex Trust Productions. The products are designed to support you while you face your old fears and inoculate yourself to feelings of embarrassment as you go for what you really want.

It’s fascinating how sometimes we can be so unfamiliar with these fundamental areas of our own selves simply because we never thought to look deeper.

What’s Next for Me?

Your own self knowledge is your most powerful asset in life. Stimulate the conversation with yourself and your loved ones.

Begin by asking yourself:

How important are my feelings on this subject to me?
Am I being mean to myself?
Do I need support?

Read our E-book Love Sex Trust: An Overview

Let it all simmer, until you’re ready for more.

TESTIMONIALS

Add Your Anonymous Input

I reached a point in my marriage where I knew I needed help. I was thinking, feeling and behaving in ways I didn’t recognize anymore. Therapy was infinitely helpful but I also needed something more concrete (and accessible during those frantic late night moments) to hold onto. The ebooks: Separating: Due Diligence, Private Couple Retreats: DIY and Getting What I Want, were a practical tool for initiating meaningful reflection, providing options to consider, and, ultimately, offering direction on how to make movement through a challenging time. Most importantly, these workbooks approached the issues at hand with compassion and understanding while also confronting necessary truths head on. It was a loving invitation to grow up. As a result of accepting that invitation, I’m showing up in my relationship with more clarity, authenticity, and confidence- invaluable gifts in this messy thing called life.

I have been seeing Jennifer for roughly 13 years. My therapy journey started when my husband and I were trying to start a family. Initially, I reached out to her regarding our infertility struggles, but that quickly morphed into dealing with years of trauma from my childhood. Jennifer helped me work through repressed emotions and understand how those experiences and trauma were causing issues with my current life. I continued with therapy through our infertility struggle, grief and then our next chapter building our family through adoption. My husband and I started couples therapy, as well, and her guidance and support helped us work out many of the relationship challenges we all face. Jennifer has been my trusted therapist and confidante for over a decade working through all the ups and downs. She’s helped me set healthy boundaries, build confidence and self esteem, work through parenting struggles and been a wonderful career guide. We have covered so much and I cannot imagine not having her in my life as a guide. She’s empathetic, intuitive, warm, welcoming and one of the best people I know. Jennifer is a bright light; a truly positive guide that helps me steer this wild, beautiful life.

Jennifer has been with me through so many difficult and life-changing transitions. From a troubled relationship, to a divorce to finding love again, Jennifer has supported me in my emotional journey, allowed me to see strength in myself and given me the power to trust in what I want. She has also worked with me through tough job decisions. Always providing a solid sounding board and working with me to find and follow my path. I am so lucky to have found her and deeply value the role she plays in my life.

We really can’t thank you enough. We both feel like for the first time we have actual concrete information for what’s happening to us and the beginnings of a path forward. Because we 100% know we love each other and want to be together, and when we are happy, it’s absolutely incredible!! We’ve got these things in the way that we can’t seem to get around. And now we have more information as to why. We are so ready to do this work.

This book Getting What I Want, and the range of products offered by Love Sex Trust Productions is intended to help you help yourself. For decades, Jennifer has been helping individuals and couples have the life and love they want. She has a wealth of knowledge to share. I’m a Work/Life coach/consultant – I help people recraft their lives so that work is satisfying and is part of an overall satisfying life (worklifenow.com). My orientation is toward the practical. My own training and curiosity have led me to learn from therapists and neuroscientists. I’ve had the good fortune to share many hours of conversation with Jennifer, and am moved by her depth of knowledge and care. One of the passions Jennifer and I share is an interest in opening the tools of therapy up to people so that anyone has access to helping themselves. This book is the first installment. I’ve written a book with a therapist, Sweet Relief From the Everyday Narcissist, and through that process learned how challenging it is for someone who is professionally trained in a certain language and processes to shift into sharing their wisdom with people who do not share the same training and language. It takes a lot of work for a professional to understand what someone might need to know and to think through how they can learn that information without all the classes and hours of study. With this book, Jennifer has created an unusual offering – elements of therapy presented so that you can use it immediately and repeatedly to create the life you want. I assume you stumbled upon this book because you are looking for something, something that will help you change your life in some way. This practical, insightful guide is offered to help you – I hope you find the change you seek.

Thank you Jennifer Jones for the amazing insight , care and compassion to help me during a trying time in my life. Suffering from severe anxiety and depression amidst a pandemic and many major life changes, you helped me find my way back to being me. I was experiencing a lot of worry, sadness, doubt, hopelessness and a mix of other feelings and emotions and you listened and gave me new skills and insight on how to conquer all of those things. I will be forever grateful for you , your kind and caring heart and expertise to teach me how to be in control of my own mind and body to be the best me I can be!

You give me priceless insight from your experiences and your creative thinking lifts me up. The conversations we had, was the first time I felt like, I can DO this! You continue to encourage me and offer great advice. YOU are super, and I am grateful to you.

I am deeply grateful for Jennifer. She was recommended to me through a friend who was really pleased with how much Jennifer had been helping her. At that time, I was in a crisis, feeling completely unstable. Jen’s responsiveness and ability to meet virtually provided some much needed reassurance.

I didn’t realize how fortunate I was to have found my way to her. Her compassion and calming presence were such a comfort. From our very first interactions, she was clearly invested in my healing. I felt safe and trusted her even when the process or outcomes felt more brutal.

I found the abandonment work she recommended particularly useful and invested over 6 months working through it specifically. I’ve continued with other things as my healing progressed and taken new directions but have kept up with the journaling – albeit much more open and integrated than when I started. She has helped me tremendously.

Asking for guidance from someone outside my religion was a big first step for me. I realized for a while I wanted to experience the world more aware than I had been. Jen was patient with me, she listened and was keenly aware of my stealthy ways to hide during a session. Jen finds me and asks me to show up and dig a little deeper and actually feel and not just intellectualize how I feel. Jen and I started working together years ago and I can definitely credit the decision to start therapy and working with Jen as the starting point when my life became more of what I actually wanted.

As a man, and a somewhat prideful one at that, when my wife suggested counseling I was less than thrilled. However, now that we are on the other side of several issues we couldn’t get through on our own, I view counseling and therapy as a life tool I had been missing. Jennifer was unbelievable and was able to break down every problem we were going through and take us to the root of our issues. Our sessions taught me an entirely new way to communicate with not only my wife but all my friends. Obviously I’d recommend Jennifer to anyone; but more than that, I’d recommend therapy to anyone! Especially hard-headed men like me.

Thank you so much! I appreciate it very much and truly you have no idea how helpful it’s been.

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