Numbness isn’t natural
Numbness isn’t a natural state of being, even if you think “this is just the way I am.” Unlike the vulnerable chihuahua, who can’t mask fear, other breeds evolve to suppress feelings well. And, if you are like this, you likely had modeling from family members at home who held back displays of feeling as well, reinforcing that stoicism is the ideal way to be in the world.
Over time, the suppression works seamlessly, burying feelings before you even have a chance to feel anything. As a result, the highs and lows of feeling can be smoothed over, leaving you feeling numb in general. Difficult to experience joy or pain.
Numbness can happen as you encounter situational stress, like a bad job, relationship or other chronic stressor, or due to a big trauma or loss, like a tragic death or betrayal. You might have picked it up as a defense mechanism as a child, to deal with difficult emotional circumstances and it’s been there ever since, people attributing it to your innate personality.
Analytical types and numbness
I’ve also found that analytical people are often prone to numbness. You are typically a skilled problem solver, so when you tell yourself an answer to a problem, you believe yourself. That’s not great when it’s a complex problem like, “Why aren’t I happy?” and you answer, non-emotionally, “That’s the way life is” and give yourself credibility to be the authority on the subject. There’s no way to go from here this ho hum logic loop.
I’m always irrititatingly correcting people in my practice when they assign a negative assumption and assume I agree, such as, “Sex isn’t that important,” or “I’m the only one responsible for my own happiness,” phrases that they have picked up that rationalize low expectations. This isn’t truth, it’s actually a feeling, disguised as “knowledge.”
Different degrees of numbness
Numbness can exist at different degrees. You might have packed away your true feelings of joy and pain so long ago, you de-selved, your emotions in deep ice, badly needing a long thaw. Or, you might have just recently gone into numbness, an attempt to cope with overwhelming feelings that your subconscious doesn’t feel you are able to handle. Or, a long time on antidepressants could have created an extended state of numb.
Finally, you might have just settled for a state of okay, the no man’s land far from too much pain and far from too much happiness.
In this state of ho hum, you say, “I just want…” “I am only asking for….” “Is this one thing too much to ask for?” “I would be fine with…” Embedded in each of these is the language of settling, bargaining and making do with less.
The making do mentality isn’t sustainable, neither is prolonged numbness. It may insulate you from feeling too much, but it’s not a great existence. It also makes you inaccessible to the people who love you or could be attracted to you as a potential partner.
Numbness and those who want to love you
Being numb makes it impossible for another person to get all the way into your heart, because it’s not all available, even to you. You leave others wanting more and you may tend to sabotage the relationships with people who are available to love you, and instead, settle in relationships that aren’t very deep or dysfunctional.
Other people may want more for you, but you’ve got to de-thaw before you’re in the game.
You likely need a little help to do so, to process the past touches that made you need to go numb, and come into the land of feeling. So, you don’t have to google your symptoms as my husband did one day, to realize, “Oh, I’m anxious.” You just have to ask yourself, “How am I feeling today?”
